Visitors after baby

You are a new mom. It might be your first baby, or maybe your second or your third. You are tired. Tired from your pregnancy, tired from a long birthing, tired from nursing, tired from a complete change to your sleeping patterns, and tired from the hormones that are controlling your body. You may be excited to have your baby meet friends and family, but are you feeling up to it?

Your friend or family member just gave birth to a new baby, and you cannot wait to meet the little one. You set up a time to visit, either in the hospital or at home, and get a gift ready for baby. But is the new mama feeling up to it?

There really is not one “rule” that can be applied regarding the appropriate time to visit – except for one: it is completely up to the new mom.

Me with my son James nine days after his birth.

I definitely felt pressure to have visitors immediately after my son was born.  I did not want to offend friends and family and appear that I was unwilling to have them meet this wonderful new addition to our family. Was I ready to open up my home after a three-day labor and in the midst of breastfeeding struggles? Absolutely not. Did I still welcome friends and family with open arms? Well, to a certain extent. Each time I was expecting a visitor, I would pull myself together prior to their arrival and smile, have them hold the baby, sit and chat…and count the minutes until they left. Let’s be clear – I love my friends and family. I wanted them to meet my son more than anything, but I was not physically or emotionally ready to be “on” in the days, or even weeks, following his birth. What I needed was to focus on learning his cues, work on our nursing relationship, rest, and eat well. Instead, I spent too much energy worrying about trying to feed the baby before people arrived and keep him awake so that they could meet him. It was exhausting and usually resulted in a complete breakdown as soon as the visitors left.

What I did not realize was that I was in control. It would not have been rude to have my husband, mom, or a postpartum doula tell visitors: “Thank you for thinking of us – we are excited for you to meet the new baby, but now is not a good time. Jenny needs to rest and be with baby. When we are ready for visitors, we will let you know.”

So, some advice for postpartum mamas: if you feel ready for visitors, try to limit it to one visit per day. Be open and honest and change your mind and cancel if need be. Prioritize baby’s needs, not your visitors’ comfort. You don’t have to put a nice (or even clean) outfit on you or baby. Listen to your baby and your body, and don’t be afraid to keep to yourself for a while. There is plenty of time to show off that cute bundle once you get to know each other better and once you physically heal.

And some advice for visitors: Let mom know that you are thinking about her and that you are excited to meet baby, but that you want to honor their time together in the first few days and weeks. When mom is ready, she will reach out. If you do visit, bring nutritious food in easy-to-store containers (a giant casserole dish doesn’t always work in every fridge or freezer). Make food easy to reheat and eat immediately. Wash your hands as soon as you arrive without anyone having to ask you to do so.  Check the dryer, and if there’s anything in it, fold it. Grab a broom and quickly sweep the kitchen and living areas. Get mom a glass of water if she doesn’t already have one when you arrive. Offer to hold the baby and tell mom to close her eyes for a bit, shower, or eat some of the food that you brought. If there are siblings in the house, take them for a walk around the block or play outside for a bit. And try not to stay longer than one hour.

(And mamas, if a dream visitor who will accomplish all of the above tasks does not exist in your world, think about hiring a postpartum doula for support).