It's been a minute!

How has it been over a year since I’ve written anything on this blog? Take that as a positive sign of how busy things have been around here!

Some exciting updates:

I continued to support families in-person up until this past March when it became clear that our world was changing. My in-person support quickly pivoted to virtual, and I found my place serving many families via phone and video as they prepared for and welcomed their newest additions. This transition was not especially difficult because…

…I have been working for Cleo since last October in addition to continuing to support families through my private practice. I absolutely LOVE working as a Family Guide and Specialist for Cleo. I’m surrounded by some of the most brilliant and compassionate minds in the birthing, postpartum, and childhood development world, and I get to support families virtually throughout the United States. I feel that my work with Cleo has only made the support I offer to my private practice clients that much more valuable because I learn something new every single day. (PS - if your employer doesn’t yet offer Cleo, ask for it!)

And, I’m now officially Certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C) through Postpartum Support International. I completed training and passed the certification exam and am now even more prepared to support parents with their own emotional wellness. I am thrilled to add these letters to my name (and encourage everyone else working in this space to do the same), as perinatal mental health is more important than ever as parents are dealing with isolation like they never have before.

And lastly, I have committed to educating myself more fully around birth disparities and the inequities that families of color face around birth and postpartum care. I should have done this long ago and would love to engage in conversation with those who are also learning and committed to helping enact change.

Starting this month, I have picked back up my in-person support of families taking every precaution possible as I am welcomed into the home during such a special time. My virtual support continues for those who are not located in Marin County and/or those who are not comfortable opening their doors quite yet (more about virtual services here). The virtual option can be wonderful for those who don’t want to commit to extended, in-person support but want the option to call upon an expert whenever they need!

So, if you need any support - fussy baby, sibling transitions, sleep help, a check-in around your emotions, or just have questions about what postpartum support can look like, I’m here for you. Let’s chat!

Can’t believe one of the two tiny babies pictured in so many photos on this website is now 2.5 years old!

What to say to a new mama

I have been seeing a lot of posts on social media lately about specific things to say to postpartum mothers. Many people want to support a new mom, but they aren’t always sure what to say. For this blog post, I thought I would compile some of my favorites that I’ve seen (plus some of my own that I say to clients and friends on the regular). If you are supporting a new mom – here are some ideas. And if you are a new mom, these apply to you!

• How are you feeling?

• It’s ok if you’re not loving all of this – and it’s also ok if you are.

• Let me take your toddler to the park for an hour.

• You are a really good mom.

• I know it’s hard.

• I’m at Target – what do you need?

• Your baby is perfect.

• I’m really proud of you.

• I left coffee on your porch.

• Let me know a good time this week to come over and do some laundry for you.

• I’m thinking about you.

• You’re doing a great job.

• I will drop off dinner on Wednesday – I’ll text you when it’s on the porch.

• You know your baby the best.

• You will leave your house again.

• If you want company, I’ll come over with food.

• Yes, that sounds normal.

• You are not bothering the pediatrician; it’s ok to call again.

• I just left a bunch of snacks on your porch.

• Trust your gut.

• You’ve got this!

The life of a new mom - is it any wonder why running errands and making dinner can be a challenge?

Nourishing your postpartum body

To say that your body changes after having a baby is an understatement. Many women are prepared for, and a bit more accepting of, the changes that come with pregnancy, but some new mothers may not even recognize themselves in the immediate postpartum period. Combine this reality with the unforgiving pressure to “bounce back” quickly in today’s society, and many moms can overlook the importance of proper nourishment as they are recovering postpartum.

What are the essential nutrients that a new mother needs? I know I became very overwhelmed during my own postpartum period trying to figure out which foods provide which nutrients and how much I needed each day, so here I set out to compile a simple list of good foods to have on hand. As I was making my list, I found this super useful one categorized from mindbodygreen; I have included it below. Hand this list to whoever may be helping you (e.g. your partner, a family member, or postpartum doula), let them know your favorites from each category, eat these foods regularly, and you will be taking care of yourself in the best possible way for you and your baby.

Vegetables:

• Avocado

• Bell peppers

• Broccoli

• Brussels sprouts

• Carrots

• Leafy greens like spinach, Swiss chard, and kale

• Potatoes

• Red and green cabbage

• Snow peas

• Sweet potato

Fruits:

• Bananas

• Berries

• Citrus fruits

• Cranberries

• Guava

• Kiwi

• Papaya

• Pineapple

Proteins:

• Albacore tuna

• Beef

• Beef liver

• Black beans

• Black-eyed peas

• Chicken on the bone

• Chickpeas

• Cod

• Collagen

• Eggs

• Lamb

• Lentils

• Mackerel

• Sardines

• Shrimp

• Turkey breast

• Wild-caught Alaskan salmon

Healthy fats:

• Avocados/avocado oil

• Coconut oil

• Extra-virgin olive oil

• Pastured butter

Nuts and seeds:

• Almonds

• Brazil nuts

• Chia seeds

• Flaxseeds

• Macadamia nuts

• Pistachios

• Pumpkin seeds

• Sunflower seeds

• Walnuts

Miscellaneous healing foods:

• Bone broth

• Cocoa

• Cultured foods such as yogurt, kefir, kimchi, sauerkraut

• Dark chocolate

• Gelatin

• Hydrolyzed collagen

• Molasses

• Oatmeal

• Quinoa

• Sea vegetables

• Spirulina

• Herbs and spices

And don’t forget hydration. Chances are your body will remind you (postpartum thirst is unreal!), but 10-15 glasses per day is your goal, especially if you are breastfeeding.

Want oatmeal for breakfast? Perfect – include some coconut oil, blackstrap molasses, berries, and bananas and you are getting what you need.

My favorite snack to make for a new mama? A plate with sliced carrots, hummus, sliced roasted turkey, avocado, crackers, and some nuts.

And for some nourishing soups and stews, you can’t beat recipes from The First Forty Days. The Hearty Sausage Stew is my absolute favorite.

Sometimes we forget how major it is to birth a child. Make sure to focus on feeding your body and not worrying about losing the baby weight (easier said than done, I know). A healthy diet will not only help you heal physically but will keep you strong mentally and emotionally as well. Your body changed in big ways to bring life into this world; it deserves some thanks and nourishment.

Salmon hummus toast with balsamic drizzle. Courtesy of Cooking with Dough

How do you do baby #2

Like many mothers, I had major doubts as to whether I could love a second child as much as I did my first. My son was my life; I was obsessed with him. How could I possibly have any more room in my heart for another baby to love?

Needless to say, I was mistaken. My daughter quickly stole the portion of my heart that was always reserved just for her. My husband and I immediately forgot what our life was like before her (mostly because she/we did not sleep for seven months, but that is a different blog post). The same cannot be said about my son, however.

James was two years + six days old when Emme was born. Naturally, he did not really understand all of the “mommy has your baby sister in her belly” talk, nor did he know what to make of her when she finally arrived. He spent the first six months of her life ignoring her completely – and I mean completely. He did not acknowledge her presence in a room, had no desire to hold her; we have no photographs of them together from our newborn photo session because he would have nothing to do with her. While it was heartbreaking for me as a mother to see him less than thrilled to have her around, I was also grateful that he was not trying to smother her every chance he got.

So, what are the first few months like juggling two children?

Let me begin by saying that just like every baby is different, so is every parent’s experience with growing their family. I will speak here to my own personal experience as well as the experiences of my clients. The majority of those I have worked with have welcomed baby #2 while their firstborn is between the ages of two and four, so many of them find themselves trying to manage a toddler and a newborn at the same time.

The Arrival

If you will be birthing away from your firstborn (e.g. at a hospital or at home while your firstborn is in the care of someone else), make sure to explain what is going to happen and take a final photograph as a family of three (you will be so happy that you did!)

Is it best to introduce your newest family member to his or her oldest sibling at the hospital or at home? That is really up to the parents to decide and depends a lot on your child’s temperament. Knowing how sensitive our son was to unfamiliar places and unfamiliar situations, we knew that introducing him to baby sister at home, versus the hospital, was going to be the best approach. When the meeting does take place, it is best if mom is not holding the newborn; instead make sure the baby is in a bassinet or swing so that the older child does not feel like he or she has been replaced. And, it never hurts to have baby arrive with a gift for his or her older sibling.

The First Few Weeks

Brace yourself, mama. It can be a rough ride.

Surprising to me, the sleep deprivation and physical recovery were not the toughest parts after having Emme. Instead, the most difficult thing was missing James terribly. For two years, it had been the two of us every day. Now, understandably, Emme was taking up all of my time and energy. We were lucky to have friends and family more than willing to help during this time, but naturally most of them wanted to take James on fun adventures. What I desperately needed was some time to reconnect with him, and I soon learned, thanks to the sage advice of a fellow mom-of-two, that even a short segment of uninterrupted time together -- just 20 minutes -- was enough to fill both of our cups. So, ask friends and family if they are comfortable watching the new baby instead of hanging out with your toddler (or better yet, have your postpartum doula care for your newborn). Take a quick walk around the block when you are physically up for it, or just close the door to your child’s room and have some dedicated playtime together. It will make all the difference.

How will your firstborn react to his or her new housemate? It is almost impossible to predict until the baby arrives. Some might be enamored. Some might ignore. Some might be very upset. Be prepared for all scenarios and roll with what you get. While you cannot control your child’s reaction to the newest member of the family (and keep in mind that his or her reaction might change on a daily basis!), you can do some small things to help with the transition. Here are some ideas:

- Put a stool next to the baby’s changing table and invite your firstborn to “help” with diaper changes. This will make your toddler feel included, useful, and valuable.

- You will likely be telling your toddler “wait” or “just a second” quite a bit while you are feeding baby, changing baby, rocking baby, etc. Make sure your toddler also hears you say, “wait” or “just a second” to the new baby, so he/she does not feel like you only have time for the newborn.

- Have a special bowl of snacks or toys that your older child can access when you are nursing or bottle-feeding your baby.

- When you get overwhelmed, try not to lose it in front of your children. Instead, pause, put down the new baby, and give your firstborn a hug. You both need it.

You can do this, and the good news is…it gets a little bit easier each week!

Me with my firstborn, James.

All of the things! What you really need for baby's first few weeks

Getting pregnant is magical. If you are like me, once you are far enough along and feel comfortable, you tell everyone the news, from your closest friends, to the Starbucks barista. If you are a first time parent, you have a big job ahead of you: figuring out how to prepare for this new addition. You need ALL OF THE THINGS to raise this child properly, right?

Using my own experience as a parent and as a postpartum doula, I have tried to narrow down five of the absolute must-haves, both for parents who are preparing for the biggest job (and joy) of their lives and their adoring friends and family who can’t wait to purchase ALL OF THE THINGS for the baby.

Note: this is not an exhaustive list. I do not tackle strollers, car seats, diapers, and much more. My goal is to outline a few key items that I have found essential during the first few weeks of a newborn’s life, while also providing some tips about purchasing to save you money and sanity.

Swaddles

Have you ever had the experience, usually when you are falling asleep, that you are actually falling? You startle and jump a little bit. This happens to your baby a lot. It’s called the moro reflex and usually lasts until your baby is three to four months old. I come across many moms who say, “My baby just doesn’t like to be swaddled, so I don’t do it.” I urge them to keep trying each day while showing them techniques to soothe their baby while he or she is getting used to the swaddle. A swaddle will help mitigate this reflex and help baby sleep. You don’t have to buy fancy products (and there are a million options out there); you can just use swaddle blankets and wrap that little baby burrito as tightly as possible. I find, however, that a Velcro swaddle blanket is the easiest option, especially as you fumble around in the middle of the night. These Halo brand sleepsack swaddles have been the favorite in our household.

Breast Pumps

You will most likely be able to obtain an electric pump through your insurance. Many women do not realize this, and instead they register for one. Check out your options through your insurance first. In addition to an electric pump (especially the Spectra S2), any of my clients will tell you how obsessed I am with the Haakaa silicone breast pump. This thing is the best. It takes some practice to get used to it, but it is an amazing way to collect milk from the opposite breast from which you are nursing. I have not personally found it to be an adequate substitute for an electric or a more traditional manual breast pump when you are replacing a feed (i.e. if mom is away from baby and baby is taking a bottle), but it is a genius way to build a freezer stash without having to add a pumping session in addition to the hours of nursing you are already doing in one day.

Footed Pajamas

One word: zippers. Your newborn will live in those adorable footed onesie pajamas for the few couple of weeks, and any veteran parent will tell you that the ones with snaps can absolutely end you in the middle of the night. Buy the ones with zippers. Register for the ones with zippers. All zippers; all the time.

(And make sure to get at least a couple in newborn size. We made the mistake of thinking that 0-3 months and newborn sizes were interchangeable, and our first child -- born eight pounds, two ounces -- slept in our only newborn-sized item his first night home from the hospital: a completely adorable but entirely-inappropriate-for-sleep miniature tuxedo shirt with bow tie attached. Whoops.)

Health and Hygiene Items

Newborns are naturally congested. Unless their congestion interferes with feeding, you really do not need to do anything about it. It is a good idea to have a bulb syringe, which should be provided to you if you birth in a hospital, and/or a Nose Frida, on hand along with some saline in the event that you do want to clear their tiny noses. If there are big brothers or sisters in the house, especially toddler-aged, the potential for a cold is greater, so be sure to have the necessary items ready just in case and monitor the baby very closely. You also want to have a thermometer on hand because fevers in a newborn are serious business, and you do not want to have to venture out in the middle of the night to buy a thermometer if you suspect a fever. You will need a rectal thermometer along with a water-based lubricant (Vaseline or petroleum jelly can lead to an inaccurate temperature reading). Lastly, consider some miniature nail clippers. While newborn nail tips are actually quite easy to just peel off – and many parents find this method less anxiety-provoking than using actual clippers – consider having a pair like these on hand. Some babies come out with talons that can do a number on their little faces.

Postpartum Doula

There are a zillion other items that every website and mommy blog will tell you that you need. And yes, some of them you may need eventually. One thing you can be sure that parents will need is support. A postpartum doula provides physical and emotional support for the new mother, which in turn benefits the entire family. She helps prepare meals; handles light housework; provides evidence-based breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, and newborn care advice; and most importantly, instills confidence in parents as they navigate their new world with their new addition. So, instead of buying that oh-so-adorable newborn-sized party dress that will absolutely never, ever be worn (or will be pooped through almost immediately), how about pooling some funds with other friends and family and treating mama to a postpartum doula? Most postpartum doulas charge between $35-$50 per hour and some offer special packages for baby shower gifts (including me!). Three hours of support for a few days during the first few weeks can be life changing for any and all parents.

What other items were essential for you in those early weeks? Comment below!

Visitors after baby

You are a new mom. It might be your first baby, or maybe your second or your third. You are tired. Tired from your pregnancy, tired from a long birthing, tired from nursing, tired from a complete change to your sleeping patterns, and tired from the hormones that are controlling your body. You may be excited to have your baby meet friends and family, but are you feeling up to it?

Your friend or family member just gave birth to a new baby, and you cannot wait to meet the little one. You set up a time to visit, either in the hospital or at home, and get a gift ready for baby. But is the new mama feeling up to it?

There really is not one “rule” that can be applied regarding the appropriate time to visit – except for one: it is completely up to the new mom.

Me with my son James nine days after his birth.

I definitely felt pressure to have visitors immediately after my son was born.  I did not want to offend friends and family and appear that I was unwilling to have them meet this wonderful new addition to our family. Was I ready to open up my home after a three-day labor and in the midst of breastfeeding struggles? Absolutely not. Did I still welcome friends and family with open arms? Well, to a certain extent. Each time I was expecting a visitor, I would pull myself together prior to their arrival and smile, have them hold the baby, sit and chat…and count the minutes until they left. Let’s be clear – I love my friends and family. I wanted them to meet my son more than anything, but I was not physically or emotionally ready to be “on” in the days, or even weeks, following his birth. What I needed was to focus on learning his cues, work on our nursing relationship, rest, and eat well. Instead, I spent too much energy worrying about trying to feed the baby before people arrived and keep him awake so that they could meet him. It was exhausting and usually resulted in a complete breakdown as soon as the visitors left.

What I did not realize was that I was in control. It would not have been rude to have my husband, mom, or a postpartum doula tell visitors: “Thank you for thinking of us – we are excited for you to meet the new baby, but now is not a good time. Jenny needs to rest and be with baby. When we are ready for visitors, we will let you know.”

So, some advice for postpartum mamas: if you feel ready for visitors, try to limit it to one visit per day. Be open and honest and change your mind and cancel if need be. Prioritize baby’s needs, not your visitors’ comfort. You don’t have to put a nice (or even clean) outfit on you or baby. Listen to your baby and your body, and don’t be afraid to keep to yourself for a while. There is plenty of time to show off that cute bundle once you get to know each other better and once you physically heal.

And some advice for visitors: Let mom know that you are thinking about her and that you are excited to meet baby, but that you want to honor their time together in the first few days and weeks. When mom is ready, she will reach out. If you do visit, bring nutritious food in easy-to-store containers (a giant casserole dish doesn’t always work in every fridge or freezer). Make food easy to reheat and eat immediately. Wash your hands as soon as you arrive without anyone having to ask you to do so.  Check the dryer, and if there’s anything in it, fold it. Grab a broom and quickly sweep the kitchen and living areas. Get mom a glass of water if she doesn’t already have one when you arrive. Offer to hold the baby and tell mom to close her eyes for a bit, shower, or eat some of the food that you brought. If there are siblings in the house, take them for a walk around the block or play outside for a bit. And try not to stay longer than one hour.

(And mamas, if a dream visitor who will accomplish all of the above tasks does not exist in your world, think about hiring a postpartum doula for support).

Do I really need a breastfeeding preparation class?

I didn’t take a class on breastfeeding before I had my first child. A class on childbirth? Check. Infant care? Check. My thought was, well, if I have any issues breastfeeding, I will just figure them out when the time comes.  Why waste my time and money on something that I may not need?

How wrong I was.

Granted, my case was on the extreme end of the spectrum. My firstborn did not latch properly from the beginning. He seemed to do fine in the hospital, but our second night home was when things changed. He just would not stop crying. I would nurse for hours at a time – he was constantly at the breast all day and night – and he would not stop crying. And the pain. Every time I put him to my breast, the pain was excruciating. I would dread nursing him but kept with it because I didn’t know any different. After numerous calls over the next few days to the advice nurse, I took him in to my pediatrician, a nurse practitioner, who also happened to be a Certified Lactation Educator, thankfully. She took one look at his latch and suggested I see an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) as soon as possible. While his weight gain was not in the realm of alarming, she was concerned that the milk was not properly transferring given his latch issues, and she was correct. Thus began the endless cycle of trying to nurse with an SNS (supplemental nursing system), pumping, medicating nipples, and doing it all over again hour after hour, day after day. My life was on a loop, and this loop was not helping my postpartum anxiety or mental health.

So, why give all of these details?

If I had taken a class on breastfeeding, I would have known that nursing should not cause unbearable pain, and I could have reached out for help before so much damage was done to me physically and emotionally. I also would have learned different holds and positions that I could have tried in an attempt to make both my son and myself more comfortable. I would have known that there were resources out there to help like IBCLCs whose job it is to help mothers and babies work together to build successful nursing relationships. I would have been taught how to use my pump prior to it being an emergency and having to call a friend in a panic to help me figure it out. Mostly, I would have had more confidence in trusting my own instincts and understanding the cues my baby was giving me. While I still would have faced the physiological issues that I did with his latch, I would have been better equipped with the tools and resources to manage it in a healthy way during an already difficult and exhausting time for any new mother.

My intention is not to scare expectant mothers. Breastfeeding is never “easy”; at the very least most women experience soreness, exhaustion, and a feeling of being overwhelmed. I support my clients as they struggle with the confidence in knowing that their newborn is getting nourished, and I work with them to make the process more comfortable. Should I suspect more significant physiological issues, I direct them to the proper resources and support.

In the end, my son and I are a success story. After three months, multiple lactation consultants, nipple shields, pumping, bodywork, lip and tongue-tie revisions, and tears, we were able to get the hang of things. He nursed for almost two years, and I am forever grateful for the help I received in making our story a positive one.

Check with your midwife or OB-GYN about resources available and/or contact the following locations for information on breastfeeding preparation classes:

Natural Resources, San Francisco

Pomegranate Prenatal Yoga and Parent Center, San Anselmo

Then Comes Baby, Oakland